my mind this wednesday evening

im in the limbo section of loss where you feel absolutely nothing and therefore feel very very good. almost insanely good. like laughing maniacally and smiling to yourself when you’re out in a field at five am on a tuesday morning good. joggers wont even wave back to you cause you’re without a bra and have mascara crusted on your cheek kind of good. and i’m crawling up the walls because i wish everybody knew exactly how i felt at this moment and could comfort me appropriately but also never bring it up again and also devote all their attention to me and also leave me alone. bother me!!! leave me alone forever!!! i think i wrote that in my diary last summer but it was not as gravely accurate as it is now.

and so i am here to speak into the pink and yellow void. with loss u kind of lose all sense of time and meaning and it’s especially apparent right now because i am DEVOID of responsibility! other than to wake, brush my teeth, shower regularly, walk the dogs, and breathe i have no responsibilities. my friend clarice came to visit today, she took the train in and when i picked her up from the station she asked me what i’d been up to. it made me laugh because it’s a good question. what the fuck have i been up to?

i do lots of things. i have been making music. i write poetry. i jog in the mornings. until yesterday i visited the hospital every single day from morning til night. i went to the united states last week. i babysat my drunk friends outside a rave. i smoke cigarettes on street corners and cry into my hands and sneak out my window to take sunrise walks and i pine excessively but at the end of the day what is any of that? the meat of life i guess i guess that is what makes life more than work but life is usually nothing but work right? i’m graduated now. i’m out of school and i don’t plan on going back, at least not right now. so there’s no summer work to have boiling about in the back of my mind, there’s no classes to prepare for, clothes to buy for the fall, a calendar to count down on. time has lost meaning and now the hours have lost their lustre. my poetry is all caps and angry now. i’ve been more humiliated by the idea of sharing it. i am thinking i am doing nothing but thinking.

but i’m excited yes i am excited (despite the sadness i cannot feel because it is wrapped in a white hot energy that is agonizing to experience) because i will see my best friends next month. that’s something sweet i am holding onto. and the sun surface of ENERGY will END and i will be sad i know i will be so i called my friend today my best friend and i said

miah i am in a weirdly good mood

really? she said

yes, i think it’s strange too. but there isn’t gonna be an end to this sadness so i am going to hold onto it. i will be sad again eventually.

yeah, she said, that’s true