Chimps and aliens

just as i began to write this a man screamed twice, very loudly. i paused and held very still. i wish people would give more detail in their scream. i never know if i’m supposed to worry or not.

i’ve possessed a very awful fear and fascination with chimps for as long as i can recall. i remember standing, shaking, outside a monkey forest, refusing to go inside. something about them is truly vile to me. i think its the closeness to humanity. their hands are terrifying. the hair on their bodies. they look unreal. they horrify me. though chimps in specific… jesus mary and joseph.

when i saw nope in theaters in 2022 i was not expecting fucking chimpanzees to be in there. especially not murderous blood-covered human-killing ones. in the moment in that theater, i gripped onto my seat and shook. i swear on my mother’s life (not funny.) that i was trembling in my seat. unfortunately my dad was pissed at me that night so i had to comfort myself… i did end up crawling into bed with him at midnight because i kept having nightmares of gordy standing in the yellow light of my bedroom doorway. the idea of him outlined there was (unrealistic yet) terrifying.

so i’ve just rewatched this movie after almost three years, to see if my fifteen year old self was righteous in thinking it to be the most frightening movie she’d seen in a hot second. oh and i’m sleep deprived and very depressed right now so if you think my writing is shitty in this blog fuck you you’re 100% right. ANYWAYS

FUCK! this movie is so scary! i don’t care for the people who go “ohhh nope sucked. ohhh nope is boring. ohhh nope was [insert bad opinion here]” you know what?? you’re probably the same people who think the witch is boring and sucked. and i don’t respect you. because nope is one of the few horror movies to actually tap into something that has long gone dead in the genre…. fear of the known! sprinkled with a bit of unknown…

okay i’m gonna spoil the movie so plz go do something else if u haven’t seen it. go watch it or something because i think it’s great. the sfx on gordy are kind of shit but the rest held up pretty good.

i don’t think it is scary in the “i’m gonna have nightmares again” way… though if i do i welcome them, i’ve become a big fan of nightmares. i get my best ideas from them, and i always feel more productive when i dream.

sorry i got distracted. anyways its scary because one of my worst fears (i have very strange, inconsequential fears if u haven’t caught on) is aliens. why, i do not know. they have always horrified me. i think, if i am going to psychoanalyze myself, things being close but not quite right is what truly bothers me in my life… it is also what fascinates me. my favorite things are those which give me a certain level of discomfort… like that photo of the dog mask that is on my landing page. do i like that photo? fuck no. it’s ugly and horrifying. that’s exactly why i LOVE it. it makes my skin crawl every time i see it. same with The Man that is my profile picture and on my dream log. he’s so off. i love him. so when i examine that in which i am most afraid of (vomit, monkeys, aliens) i’m like OHHH, it seems that something that is CLOSE to what i perceive as normal makes me most uncomfortable. does that make sense???

for example, with vomit (i am being very brave and writing this down. years ago i could not even consider the possibility of vomit without feeling weak) i think it is the fact that i know what it is, but i know it should not look like that. of course in my deepest mind i know it cannot hurt me, it cannot do anything despicable… but i am terrified of it for unknown reasons. what’s really fucking annoying about having emetophobia is that nobody takes it seriously. it almost forces you to grapple with it. i had to pick a key out of vomit and then use said key to get into my apartment because my aunt said it was too gross. i’m still mad as fuck about that i can’t lie. and its something i can’t erase from my mind, and my hands still feel unclean. they always feel unclean. i haven’t vomited in years because when i do i can’t look at the toilet or wherever it happened the same. you’re probably thinking : she needs psychological help. yeah probably but whose gonna pay for that in this economy SMH!

anyways this took a departure. lightning just struck. it’s hot as fuck. humid, too. my original point before i went on that rant was this: the idea of something being WRONG even if just SLIGHTLY is horrifying!!!! so interestingly so!!!! and i think THAT is what makes nope so great. because jean jacket is NOT a metal ass alien ass flying saucer ass ufo, instead she (sorry my heart tells me jean jacket is a girl) is a living, breathing thing that just should not be here….. godddd. and you cannot reason with a thing, you cannot reason with an animal! i cannot sit my dog down and have a real talk with her. you cannot sit jean jacket down and say bad girl, bad. i mean u could but she’d eat you.

that, paired with the sheer dread u feel when seeing her zip around and fuck everything up… when she approaches jupiters claim and you can SEE the color drain from jupe’s face. you see him realize he didn’t tame this thing, and it’s gonna kill him. and i think that’s so sad too because there’s a guy who has been trying to get control over his life since he was a child, and he thought he did through this fucking beast in the sky, but once again he is powerless in every aspect of the situation. he’s been controlled by his fear, and once he tries to confront it, it eats him alive (literally). and FUCK that consuming scene is… genuinely disturbing. the sounds, the visuals… people gagging, crying, screaming, all pressed up against the walls of what seems to be jean jacket’s throat… one on top of the other, pushed up. seeing that in theaters genuinely had me crying. i’m not even claustrophobic but holy hell.

so yeah. this post is a whole lot of nothing. no real conclusions to come to. just that i guess all my fears can be linked. though i only have on phobia! amen to that.

thx for reading, but u probably shouldn’t of