i’m so mature

it’s only one in the afternoon and i’m somewhat drunk off cheap cherry wine i got from the corner store. i worry when i stand up i’ll get dizzy so i’m just laying here watching sex and the city til i’m a bit more steady. i’m thinking of maturity. i’m thinking of adulthood. i’m an adult. i’m eighteen, i’ve been eighteen since february so in all legal ways yes i am an adult. when i’m home, still living with my dad, i feel like a child. i don’t have a job or responsibilities right now so i just don’t feel like much of anything.

this weekend i’ve got a shit ton of plans, all of which i have to coordinate and be there for, so in that way i feel like an adult. when i’m rushing onto the train with nothing more in my purse than a pack of marlboro golds and a couple euros in my bank account, i feel like an adult. the kind of adult who doesn’t have their shit together but can pretend anyway. i guess thats not a feeling, that’s just my reality.

i’m mature because i am putting my own feelings aside to go see someone, even though i dread it for selfish reasons. because i know when i am older i will be glad to have seen him. sigh. life is very weird sometimes, isn’t it? your mother dies and the world keeps spinning. people you love drift away and you can’t do shit about it. you have to just wake up every day and keep on moving. i think that is mature. knowing you can do nothing but keep going. doing what you can even though it feels like the hardest thing in the world. waking up each morning. getting out of bed. none of this makes sense sorry i’m still a bit drunk.

well i don’t know who reads these things because i’ve made it a trek to find this blog….. but if you do, hello! i hope you are okay. or i hope you are being mature about not being okay. but its ok to feel like a child sometimes, too. just think about the longterm i guess. think about what you’ll regret not doing when you’re old, not what you’re too scared to do in the present.

xxxxx

june 11 2025