the ringleader

Achilles was dipped in the River Styx

but the Ringleader was draped in Heaven’s light

bathed in it, glowing. Six at night

The big-top tent glows of candlelight, it smells of sawdust and animal shit

and everybody hushes when the Ringleader appears

1953 and he is

plump with daddy’s money

For what boy does not wish to own a circus?

A beautiful woman, a wild animal, a couple of clowns?

And he’s lovely. More so, beautiful.

A wild-eyed merciful god’s creation

We worship at his hand, kiss it tenderly

His nails are blackened, dirtied. Rough to the touch

of my lips. He tells us how much it means to him,

to see our faces. Give them a real show tonight

I will. Oh

I will

Sweat dampens my brow, my chest heaves

I’m nauseous, I’m fantastic

Makeup feels thick on my face, my fools-cap a tumored growth

The world spins and takes shape of his lovesome face

Popcorn thrown at my feet, children scream

But I would stand here endlessly

He doesn’t comment on the clowns

anymore. There was a time when he would draw back

from our mouths with blackened lips

White face paint on his fingers

But now we kiss at his marvelous hand and he avoids our eyes

Ever carefully

Once he was quite fond of us,

of Pierrot and the stink of old France

But now he is taken with freak-shows and

rodeo clowns. But it only means these finger-kisses

are more valuable!

And when I crawl into his bed

late at night

After every other has fallen asleep, the moon hanging wet overhead

His silhouette outlined with yellow lamplight

I feel lucky, I do

He’s now bony and carnivorous,

and bids me keep my makeup on. Oh,

the hat, too, please

I flatten myself, I shrink and twist

I stretch into his shape

Bend to be quite lovesome too

And oh I know it is no freak-show

That keeps him from us

No bearded woman could do what I do

No elephant man could love him so

And perhaps therein lies the problem

But oh!

Achilles he might be, and I dare venture

to call myself his heel

And heel I do

Good boy, do a trick!

Lick the popcorn up off the floor, lick it off his boot

Keep your costume on,

please.